Saturday, April 24, 2010

selflessness. trust. love...

growing up i was never thought to be a selfless child. i was told i was selfish and cared nothing about others. sigh...if only you could have gotten into my head as a kid.

you say i took too long to order food at a fast food restaurant. i was being told to get whatever i want but i never did. i fought myself inside to pick the cheap food. everytime. if there were two different things that i thought i might want to eat...i choose the cheapest one everytime. not to purposely look like a cheapskate kid but because i didnt want to be a bother. i didnt want people spending money on me.

i picked the cheap shoes to like. my tomboyish ways helped...i didnt have to ask mom to buy frilly shirts or dresses. no make-up. jewelry? yeah right.

as i got older i became more "selfish." i would get in trouble because i would come home late. i would be late because i would be helping a friend out.

dad would be gone overseas and mom would be busy with everything. i did so much to raise my little sister. i was...what 9 when she was born? over the next 2-3 years i became her translator. her comfort when something happened. her almost everything. there were times she would slip and call me mom. when i had my truck...if she was given the choice between a ride with me in my truck or a ride with mom in the car...she chose me every time. she still comes to me. the time, effort, love, the everything ive put into her...thats time ive taken away from something i could have been doing for more "selfish" reasons.

the guys ive dated or been with...i often gave more then i ever received in return. almost always. the last guy i dated....the one i was engaged to...even til the end i sacrificed so much for his wishes. all last semester of school i avoided social activities like the plague. i skipped out on dances (a passion of mine). absolutely no parties. nothing to do with fraternities (opps...) no hangin out with guys in general...and that one? thankfully impossible. i was in rotc and had my testosterone fix that way (i grew up hanging with guys...cant stop that). anything deemed wrong was a huge fight. stress. and time and time again...i would give in. selfish? ya right.

not to have this be me parading around going look at this! look at this!....this is me letting it out.

everything ive done for my friends in the last few months...helping them out...anything i spose. the dinner for the bathroom...filling up a friends gas tank when i borrowed the jeep...telling mom im paying for her to fly to hawaii...paying for gas and well...woodys dry cleaning lol. while in the hospital...woody gave me a small yellow bear. sidenote: the other day he had fallen asleep with his head on my chest and well...there is something comforting about a head under my chin. the nearest feeling i can place it with is a maternal feeling. i dont know why...but its like having the baby fall asleep on your chest and knowing theyre safe there. well i was having a hard time getting to sleep once back in my bed in the dorms and some thought came to him....the maternal feeling--stick the bear under my chin on my chest. lo and behold? it worked! my body calmed down...i breathed normally again and was able to sleep. the thoughts in my head as i fell asleep? (yes i was drugged) *k...calm down and breathe. you have to be ok so nothing happens to the baby...* last thoughts through my head as i fell asleep. call me psychotic or whatever but...i slept like a baby and fell asleep just fine.

after the last boy i told myself it would be almost impossible to trust someone...especially just straight off. that was somewhat truth when i would go on dates or be in public.

bam. i start talking to woody and well...none of that. i trusted him from the word go. midnight adventures? no fear. pancakes? his place? 4am? why of course! hawaii had started as a joke...that obviously turned into a serious proposition later on. look into his brown eyes and you know what he says is the truth. nothing is hidden. nothing is dangerous or suppressed for later. its him. all him and i trust him. completely. maybe im a fool for it...but it feels ok to me.

again after the last one i said ill go on dates and have fun but i am not settling for one singular person. i just cant. not for a few years.
...that worked fine until woody came along. more like i text him...but yall already know that story. having talked to him about it...neither of us figured we could fall for someone so fast. especially after the situations we had been in previously. but fall and fast we did. we have no way to explain it. no rhyme or reason. things he says....well...i cant wait to get back to school to him in the fall. :)