Wednesday, April 7, 2010

just feel like...crying

alright. i know i havent caught everyone up to date on spring break, the sigma chi formal or general conference. ill just do it all in pictures and have captions for it when i feel like doing it and have time and patience.

honestly its bed time and i just wanna curl up in a ball and fall asleep. thing is tho...yesterday an emotion hit me that i havent felt in quite some time. i felt sadness and anxiety. back in the day when i dated in high school...most guys didnt last past 2 weeks cause i cold feet i guess. i played it off as it wouldnt work and i dont see this goind anywhere so why waste time...right? well i never had that with woody ok? weird...but i didnt. here it is almost two months of hanging out. getting to know each other and dating and now something with a twist is hitting me. here;s how its been going through my head..

the way we got hooked up...holy ghost. way we started talking once i was single...holy ghost. way i made decisions around him and regarding things (including hawaii)...holy ghost. my post traumatic stress disorder fixed through woody...still a work in progress around other people (but when im with him its perfectly fine). if you look at what we want from life, plans, goals, desires...they take us the same place and the differences in career paths would not be a problem as far as i can see. one day i want a ranch...originally i thought i would just bred, train, show, compete, etc with them...and then again the holy ghost jumped in forcefully this past weekend (because i brush this thought off) until this weekend....i want to add in a course or camp or something for the mentally and physically disabled for equine therapy. ...sitting on the beach with woody? out of the blue he says that he's always wanted a bunch of horses, that he doesnt know much about them, but that he loves them and always has wanted some....

regarding spirituality...he has a handsome spirit. one that moves me. one that im drawn to. he could look different and whatever is inside is what i love...what im falling for. of course a handsome face and physique is lovely but its what is inside for me regarding him. granted it was looks that i noticed at first...actually thats a lie. i felt him walk towards me rather than see him the first night i met him. i liked him on the spot. i wanted to be close to get to know him but since i was dating someone i had to leave it be. we hit it off that first night and even told him to his face that "well ill prolly never see ya bye." (he makes fun of me for that now lol). hugging him its like a magnet in him and a magnet in me...neither of us wants to let go...its a physical effort to move apart.

bro paul asked me last night...are you in love with him? i paused and falling. i suppose you could say ive fallen but im holding back. im scared. honest to goodness. he's the best thing i know and treats me better then i ever thought i would get. if i could tell you the compliments...the everything he says to me on a daily he'll look at me and when i ask what he's thinking he'll respond "how did i get so lucky?" ...its all about the little things...the night he took me out to an empty park parking lot at night just to turn some music on, pull me out of the truck, and dance...the way he looks at me. ok so maybe ive fallen for him....i just hide it. im scared. im scared of being hurt. im scared of losing him. im scared that in a matter of weeks i wont see him for months and who knows whatll happen. will we both live through the summer? each day is precious and life is short. life is so touchy and easy to snuff out. will we have feelings for each other in the fall when we see each other again? will we date in the fall?... ive told myself not to think about it cause im just living for the day sorry. i live for certain things in the future and well...anyways.

i can sit and say i could see us 100 years old acting the way we do now. there has never been a moment we've argued. (i know that arguing happens and sometimes even necessary but we honestly are just so on the same page...there is none of that). never a moment he had made me sad or angry. ive been on a constant high (for a lack of a better term) since that valentines day that we first hung out. (which speaking of which i totally made pancakes at his place the other day and thats the first time ive never burned pancakes...) he makes me a better me in so many ways...including a better cook.

i guess that yesterday it just kind of hit me that im falling in love and i dont know how to show it. im scared to even show it. im scared to say it to him. im afraid...afraid of how itll change the dynamic of what we have now. im afraid for his reaction. i afraid that i dont know how he really feels...all i know is that he "really really likes me a lot" and has mentioned plans and expeditions in the future (like the one that we're supposed to do in 30 years...or next spring break we'll go off to australia). i dont know what to think...what to do...

im me around him and he seems to be him around me. ive done stupid things, crazy things, blonde things, gross things...and he's been right there...or i tell him about it and he's still there the next day. he knows ive made mistakes in life and "nothing in your past can push me away"...there are things he just says that make me want to cry right there on the spot because he has no idea how much they mean to much they touch me and feel even more at ease. i really just..i dont know. we have 2 weeks plus finals left in school and i dont know what to do.

i dont know what to do. every day i fall more for him. we fall more into place and find happiness in every moment we spend together and even apart i feel. im falling for him and i dont know what to do.

i dont know what to do.