Saturday, February 6, 2010
a calm night
i dance while getting ready to go out to eat and see Dear John. i put the crown on and walk out the door. we go to costa vida for dinner. the guy making my taco sings me a song. there is a guy in line i know...i wave and say hi...oh-he's on a date...bad. sit and eat. go to the theater-sold out. buy tickets for later showing. drive to walmart to kill time. buy candy for the movie. try on shoes. read a magazine. head to the dorms. meet eliza's date. we all head to the theater. friends of eliza and her date are seeing the movie at the same time. we all (7) sit in the third row. ive never been so close to a theater screen like that. i cry. i hand my sour gummy worms to kenzie to put them in her purse. she eats them all. i cry and cry and cry. movie finishes. we all leave. head back to the dorms. get changed into pajamas. head down to the girls' room. chit chat til eliza gets back. find out he tried to kiss her 3 times and each time, she would hug him or deny his advances. poor guy, he's prolly really confused. help eliza with laundry (more like talk while she does everything). tell her some of my life story from the past two years...that goes till 330 in the morning. all the while, i miss things. i miss justin. i miss my best friend. and i sit and realize...i have friends...but i dont have a best friend. justin was that best friend and i want to have that again...with someone. but i know i cant go a long time without a best friend. a friend can really only do so much for me. i want a best friend again. but i dont want a broken heart again. the little things remind me of him...of us. and then i wonder...has he done that yet with his new girlfriend? what do they do? blah, blah, blah...etc, etc, etc. its torture. is pain to see her name. torture to see his. i want to forget. i want to fully move on and im just...im stuck right now. i dont want him as he is right now. i want his heart broken like he did to mine, but then i dont want him to hurt ever. i want him happy, safe and whole. but then my prayers of him finding a guidance, a light, something to find the gospel again and truly accept it this time, go against that since when he is at his best is not when he will seek answers. either that or i hope he accepts it in the next life if not this one. i sit and wonder if he renamed his fish i got him (her name was rachel and she is gorgeous). and then i wonder that if he did...is the fish's name ashley now? stupid silly things. its always been the little things that i loved. the little things that made me smile. now its the little things that make me feel sick. the little things that make me wonder or worry. its not my place to care anymore but i do and i probably always will. and then i wonder...does he still care? does he wonder about me? is there a fond memory he thinks of? does he talk about the good times? i do. almost all the time. its been over 2 weeks? i should be farther then this. i have my ups and downs. and this is how the night of my 19th birthday ends....like every night of late. and then i wonder...does he remember its my birthday?