blah. blah.

oh to believe liars. i dont. here is the situation. first off--i feel like crap today. honest to goodness. people wont think im sick tho cause i kinda dressed up today...just a skirt and such but still it isnt usual for me to do this. anyways...i feel horrible and nothing is making my poor stomach feel better. its an overcast day today. now to top it off? i have to text my ex. yes sadly the word "have" is the truth. after we broke up i mailed him his stuff shortly afterwards. i have since asked multiple times nicely for him to mail me my stuff. i even said send it to me care of and ill pay for it. at that point he had said he had already mailed it off. that was the beginning of last week. still nothing. trust me, ive checked. once again, i text him today asking him to get me my stuff in the mail asap or when i came home next week ill stop by and take everything that is mine. that is definitely not something i want to do. id rather avoid him and such but im really just sick and tired of asking for it back. there is no point in him having it all...the things im asking for are things like half a bathing suit, shorts, a dress, and last but certainly not least my senior yearbook. i just want it back.

another dilemma? with the money ill earn this summer ive already promised mom i would give her a vacation since she certainly needs one and deserves one. here comes the next thing regarding what i make. i mean obviously ill pay tithing and savings but then...buy a vacation for spring break or buy a cheap jeep or truck...i cant do both. my major requires that im at the suu farm a lot and thats 5 miles away...doesnt sound far but to walk or bike still takes a fair amount of time. add in the weather here in cedar and a vehicle becomes almost mandatory to go that far for a class. decisions decisions...i guess ill just have to figure that out when i figure out how much ill even make..

mucinex-D is a miracle drug

thank goodness im in the "18 or over" category. seriously. life is so much better being "legal." (yes of course that poses the question legal for what...but who cares right?) anyways, ive had this head cold/allergy combo that has been kicking my butt for the last two weeks or so. at first it was a sore throat, probably from post nasal drip (yum). anyways...the throat got to feeling better after a short while thankfully but then it moved into my ears and nose. sinus cold. perfect. i had sworn id bought sudafed last semester and couldnt have used it all already but i couldnt find it. so today upon asking a friend if i could borrow his car and putting gas in it i went to walmart....and i got a box of mucinex-D. i had been trying to decide if i wanted mucinex or sudafed more and then to find out i can get a combo? perfecto!!! (speaking of which.....i need some more...)

i have begun the process of throwing out junk i have here in cedar (youd be so proud mom). i seriously just have stuff here that i look at and think...what was i thinking?! anyways im throwing things out. everything from papers and such to possibly some clothes. i think about this as i look at the mess of a room i sit in right now...but honestly? when i go through stuff its definitely not neat and orderly. i try to go through one section at a time but alas...it never quite works that way. ah well.

so apparently the whole finishing school in school years? well...lol its still gonna happen. i was talking to lee, my horsemanship prof, and asked about the practicum on the requirements to get the equine studies associates...the practicum? what is that you ask? well pretty much i can get college credit for working on the ranch this summer. ya....that awesome...ill go and start the paperwork for that tomorrow morning but i just have to keep a journal over the summer and have the bosses confirm stuff at the end of the summer so this is seriously the best major ever!

sidenote: can i just say that im gonna sit here for a sec and applaud myself. washed the hair, put product in it and but it in two side braids...(i look like such a little kid like this). went to class like this and of course this is the day lee takes pics of us out on the trail. as soon as class is out, i take the hair down to get a "wind-blown" look. get back and seriously have to not smell like horse, change, and put some form of make-up on and run across campus to get to a dinner all in a matter of 15 mins. i made it. with a few minutes to spare. BAM!!

anyways...i need to clean up some before woody stops by for another surprise adventure (he never tells me what we are going to do until we do it...which honestly? i like. i like the little things. the little surprises. so who knows whatll happen, but its guaranteed to be fun and lovely as per the norm). so later...ive got someone to attend to ;)

a headlight, dinner, and stolen yogurt

yesterday was a non-stop action packed day until we got to st george...thankfully my psych class was cancelled today so class? psh. nothing until 4 and then im go go go again cause as soon as im outa horsemanship i have to rush back here and then change for the rotc dinner tonight and then get there....

so anyways...yesterday. woke up and my suspicions were confirmed...mother nature stopped by in the middle of the night. she's such a dear isnt she? take care of that and then cramps hit me. perfect. i hadnt had any in a while so it was definitely painful. threw on a hoodie and warmed a hot pack and wrapped it around my belly since i had a meeting with my college advisor. got my classes sorted out and registered for next semester. i grabbed some breakfast and headed to the health clinic. my prescription is almost out and so i wanted to take care of that before summer time. i was just gonna make an appt but they had time and took care of me on the spot. once that was done headed to rotc to make sure of the attire for the evening from judy. yes its church attire aka semi-formal. i stayed and chatted about the usual...(horsemanship). she's in the same class only on an earlier day so i can kind of know what to expect on the quizzes. head back to the dorms to change items and cool off (i was burning up) and grab my stuff for history class.

once class was over, copied the notes and headed to lunch. only had a bowl of sticky rice with salt and a cup of water. called mom on the way back to the dorms and well...i kinda snapped at her a few times. i was trying to ask of there were other foods that had potassium in them besides foods i cant eat and foods they dont serve in the dining hall. sadly they dont have potassium in the vitamins i take as it is like i thought they did. i miss my greens aka collard greens, turnip greens, spinach...in the entire year of foods at the dining hall i could count on one hand how many times they have served those types of greens. anywats...a body knows what it needs...i could tell i needed aspirin, potassium, and water. i wont get into me snapping. it felt weird tho....im gonna blame that on the period and stupid hormones. i needed laundry done so i sorted super fast and just did two big loads and headed straight to biology with jane and carlie showed up soon after that. great class as usual but i booked it back to the dorms to move laundry from washer to the dryer and after that sat and planned out the next two of school on paper...if all goes well i can graduate in two years...which means i can be done with all of college and graduate with a bachelors within 3 years of starting college. super excited about that!! called madre up and apologized and told her my news...and she wants me to double major or pick up a minor right since i cut a whole year out of my schooling.....what?! sounds good BUT i was getting out of school early...sorry. i would rather not extend it longer then i want to.

ran and checked the dryers....colors and whites werent dry yet but i pulled the towels and jeans out and jumped in the shower. got out, threw some clothes on and got the clothes out of the dryer, brought em to my room, grabbed what i wanted from the bag, got dressed and at this point have about 10 mins until woody picks me up...crap. blow dry the hair, lotion, shoes, threw on a little bit of makeup and ran out to woody and his truck after yes, leaving my room a disaster area. we put some air in the tires, got some gas and hit the road towards st george...now he and i had talked about me getting a skirt...more than likely a white pencil skirt. i have a black one that...well...my hips are just not built for the skirt anymore. we stopped at kohls to have a look at clothes. nothing there. we went to target...looked, saw a dress and a white pencil skirt...sadly the skirt didnt fit right but the dress? perfect! then decision time comes...buy the dress or head somewhere else and if we dont find what we're looking for then come back to target and hope the dress was still there (it was the only one of its size left). well woody said we could get it, and if we find something better we could bring it back...sounded good to me so thats what we did. we get to the register and before i could even open my wallet, he paid for it...apparently this was my very late birthday present. "im not missing you birthday again. not next year, or the year after, or the next, or the next...." hm... well we headed to ross to see if we could find something else....found a nice black and white skirt there and we get to the checkout. its rung up and well...since he got distracted by a nickel on the floor i beat him to the punch and paid for this one. apparently he was supposed to buy that one cause he says he owes my now...(silly boy no you dont. you dont owe me a thing. i promise.) oh drats..that reminds me i was supposed to leave the lotion in his truck. call him spoiled or me the spoiler but his hands crack and well i have a tendency to just do things...like pack lotion that isnt girly smelling and massage his hands (ya ya i know...oh well)

we get to house, greeted by the dogs and sit down to a delicious dinner. seriously...its rather refreshing to sit down to a family dinner. the dining hall is nice and usually serves good stuff but i miss sitting around the table with a family. it was nice. the food was yummy and the company? sincere and inclusive. after dinner, cleaned up a bit and headed to the grandparents house down the street...oddly enough? grandpa reminded me of mine in illinois...even said the exact line grampa says "oh im easy to get along with." apparently i didnt blush? it was cute ok. im used to "old" people. ive got a story or two that would curl your hair tho *shudder.* thats probably why it was difficult to make me blush. its odd to think that i didnt even think of my paternal grandparents...guess it kinda makes since tho...theyve been gone for several years at the latest.

so anyways, we get back...chit chat, talk rifles..etc. you know the norm. lol. so we head back to cedar and we hadnt even made it out of st george and two cop cars hit their lights to pull us over. we just laugh cause we know what its about...the left front light has a short in it and usually is out unless you hit the cover. so anyways...the usual registration and id deal...came back super fast and this time with his buddy up by my window and asked if there were any weapons in the car...uh ya. there was a 12 gauge in the back seat with no ammo present...he asks again..."no handguns?" cause i see you dont have a concealed carry permit and looks like you have a handgun case in the back seat too....

w: "oh, no thats the cleaning kit for the shotgun."

cop: "ok, well have a nice night"

we continue on our way. we hit the freeway and after a little ways a highway patrolman sitting in the middle lane pulls out after we pass by. (you know where this is going dont ya). so he takes a while deciding if its worth it and then finally catches up to us...we pull into the right lane. he's right on our butt. he hits the lights. we laugh and groan at the same time. its already midnight and at this point just want to make it home before 1 in the morning. . we pull over and he comes up to my window...same spiel over again...we told him we had just been pulled over in st george and were just on our way home from his brothers birthday.

cop: "did he give you a ticket?"

w: "no.."

cop: "k. dont go anywhere. ill be right back with your stuff after i check it all out"

w: (after the cop walks away) "at this rate if we get pulled over every 10 mins, we'll be lucky to be home before 2.....this has to go in the blog!!"

i just laugh at him...cop comes back. woody got a warning out of it and we went on our merry way. finally got back. he walks me up to my door and "those magnets" (he quotes me now...great lol. i dont mind...its funny) made it hard for him to leave. i swear i tried kicking him out (sorta). i like him being here but i know he needs the sleep...he finally leaves and i crawl in bed.

wake up? room is a disaster...ok so its still a disaster but as soon as i woke up i went to grab one of my yogurts in the fridge from down the hall....i had put my name on each one and such...but where two were supposed to be, there was only one. i had bought 3-vanilla, banana cream pie, and key lime pie. i had already eaten the banana one...wanna guess which one was stolen? my key lime pie. of course. ugh. i eat my yogurt and have simply only sat here and written this ridiculously long post. great. im gonna grab some lunch and then get ready for the dinner tonight even though i have horsemanship first...i got this.

hm...maybe ill clean my room up. now theres an idea....anywats...

a new type of adventure

**i now know that people do in fact read this blog. its nice but at the same time? can be intimidating. but? well im just gonna keep writing like i have been. maybe a few less punctuation and spelling mistakes (no guarantees), but how this blog is gonna go, should be the same**

woke up to my usual morning text before 8 today and...promptly fell back asleep. woke up, got ready for the day...thought about wearing shorts...didnt. time frame? 12. i went to class. (it was warm and sunny outside). 1250. copied my notes in the student services center. 1255. grabbed some lunch. 115. walked outside. (it was cloudy, windy, and freezing). 130. raindrops are felt. 145. it started raining lightly. 150. it started raining harder. 153. it was sleeting. and by 155...it was snowing. gotta love cedar city...ugh.

my surprise in the day started when woody and two of his brothers came and ate dinner with me tonight. as we're grabbing some salad, woody says that he had talked to his dad and that he had mentioned something about a blog and his mom crying when she read a certain entry. i froze. i didnt want to hear anymore. my first thoughts were that they had said something about what i had written and ruining...well something. throughout dinner i sat and thought about what he had said...what kind of cry was it? is it the post i think it is? what do they think of it? whats woody gonna say when he finds out?

when i head to the library to work on some psych notes i stop at the computer to check my blog out real fast...sure enough it was the post i thought it was...i reread it prolly two or three times and ya know what? i cried when i read it...every single time. i see woody when he gets out of the chapter meeting and after he left i text him telling him that i had reread it and that i too had cried.

the roomies and i go to walmart...we all needed stuff. laughs and such were numerous...talked to madre. oh! speaking of madre i talked to my boss this morning...she was asking when i would be getting to the ranch, how i was getting there etc. told her all of that and asked if it was alright that woody stay the night since we would get to the ranch in the evening...and im not gonna kick him out the next day. we'll explore the ranch...he wants to go riding if possible...and he can leave the friday that i start working. i hadnt been back long from walmart when woody called saying he would be over in a few minutes...

as soon as he walks in the door he tells me that he wants to read the post. he told me that he had talked to his mom and she had told him that he should read it...plus combined with me telling him i had cried when i had read my own post...he really wanted to read it. the look of horror on my face did nothing to stop him. i tried going.."no, you dont wanna read it...really. its ok. you dont need to. no honestly its nothing...no...dont do it. no..you..no..really. its stupid...you dont wanna..." needless to say that didnt work. him: "i could always get the link from my parents...how did they find out you had a blog before i even did?" ;) so i scroll to the post and try walking out of the room...that didnt happen. he grabbed me and sat me down on his lap while he began to read...

he pauses half-way through the second paragraph. he look at me and asks if i have something to say before he reads anymore. if not, then he will wait to read it later when i want him to read it. i literally sat there forever after he said that. i didnt look at him, i didnt say anything. i sat and asked myself if it was the right time...thats when i realized ever since he had mentioned my blog that i hadnt been scared of saying anything...i was ready. i felt calm...assured...at peace...and ready. granted it took a few times to start up to say what was coming but once i knew it was alright to say it...i said it. "ive been falling in love with you." looking back i wanna say i was scared for his response but honestly? i wasnt scared. not at all. i just sat there. a slight pause between the two of us and his response came...quiet, but self-assured. "good because ive been falling for you for a long time. ... you know? its kinda weird to say it, but...it feels so right" (didnt say anything but man...that was so true. it does feel right). pause here to say that when i write things in a churchy way that i dont want to come off as "oh, its meant to be." do i believe in that policy? eh...im not sure. its just interesting to lay out everything and then to backtrack and see all the connections...example. i got woodys number because last minute, kayla was leaving town early and couldnt take me to the airport the next day for me to get home on christmas break. (he took me to the airport the next day. she brought it up today...and she was right. i wouldnt have even had his number if it wasnt for that).

the colorado trip was talked about...found out his mom is offering to let us use her car instead of his truck...(since i was the one paying for gas? thank you. seriously). we'll leave earrrly wednesday morning, hit moab on the way up, grand junction, and be in parshall by dinner time. it will be perfect. a great trip with a great guy. i cant wait for the trip, but it sucks even more now to have to leave woody behind in cedar this summer. he told me though that we will still be dating in the fall when i get back...that we'll see how this all works out.

now that he's been in my head by way of reading my blog, he says "now i see from what way youre coming from." in fact one question he had for me was "so if i gained 60 lbs of belly and such, you would still love me?" "yes" i said. "ill always love you." a few minutes later i bust out laughing...he asks what was so funny and i said well i was just picturing you as the fat old man with the gut and... well thats a healthy boy! ...laughter exploded from both of us and well...it was priceless.

he doesnt believe ive ever been a bad cook...just ask my mom. im baaaaddd. unless im cooking for him..its weird. speaking of madre again...got my flight itinerary for heading home and flying back after exams are done...itll be weird to be home. and storage. drats. i need to find a place to store my bike for the summer along with some things that im not taking to colorado but want for next school year...any ideas? cheap climate controlled storage units anyone? help or suggestions greatly wanted. also i signed the contract and paid the deposit on the apartments i will be living in next semester...not too shabby for all the amenitites plus in walking distance? works just fine for me. anyways its waaayyy past my bed time so off to bed.

short story to my long post? it has now been said face to face...i love him. and he loves me. :) we got this.

im a hick because....

so its official. im classified as a hick.

~i grew up in tennessee

~i grew up no more than 17 miles from the kentucky border

~directions to my house consisted of "pass the beer box, then the dump and pappy's beer place...go down the hill and when you see the school bus sign, start slowing down...watch out for stray dogs and random kids in the street

~when a dog down the street is named after a tractor (kubota and kb...short for kubota's brother)

~when the neighbors duck thinks its a dog

~i wear boots more than shoes or flip-flops...and by boots i mean all 4 different pairs and in all weather

~my nicknames include- "tennessee" or "boots"

~i say and write the word "yall"

~i have an accent

~i supposedly got the burn on my arm from touching the copper pipes on my moonshine still

~ive eaten squirrel, deer, and snapping turtle

~i enjoy eating squirrel, deer, and snapping turtle

~for my eighth birthday i got a bow and arrows

~i own many firearms and have the phone number of the firing range in my phone

~ i have a john deere blanket

~i wear a chevy truck hat and a fox racing shirt at the same time

~i asked for a toolbox for my truck bed for christmas

~i have a horseshoe hanging on my wall along with a horse calendar and posters

~i have a map of local BLM land with mustang herds on it on my wall

~i get excited when i hear the budweiser clydesdales are coming to town

~i get excited when i think about going to cal ranch to look for wrangler jeans

~i own little boy flannel button up shirts

~i wanted to go the monster truck show in provo on valentines day

~my dream was to work on a ranch

~my favorite class involves dirt, horse hair, and pain

~ive changed my major to agriculture

~i hate it when my work boots get cleaned

~i go to dinner in muck and mud, covered in horse hair, and smelling horrible and afterwards? my boyfriend will still kiss me and hold my hand

~my first car was actually a truck

~i use the word trompin' (which means explorin' and walkin' through the woods)

~i cut off the "g" in words

~my grandparents live in " polecat holla"

~its a big deal to get gussied up

~ive been to dollywood (and didnt feel outa place)

~i love wings, pork rinds, mashed 'taters and gravy, fried foods, and fresh fish from the pond

~lock b is the place to go...shooting AND muddin'

~ive worn confederate flags to school

~i had a cb radio in my truck...and have had a trucker nickname for the road

~ive actually been boot scootin boogie-ing

~i can sing along to hank williams jr, johnny cash, cw mccall, and johnny horton

~i got excited when in history class, TVA popped up on the screen

~ive changed my oil and filter in my truck

~ive done the dukes of hazzard slide across the hood move

~hey yall watch this heralded free entertainment

~i own several belt buckles

~i know what chiggers are

~ive sat on a back porch and shot targets from the chair

~mom and i discuss guns and ammo over the phone at dinner time

~i had "custom" pedal extenders on my truck, knives hidden in the cab, and parachute cord hanging from the rearview mirror

~bbq/pulled pork is a great meal

~smokin barns are a common sight in the fall

~i own camo

~i love going barefoot

~i cried for my truck when i totaled it

~i know how nascar got started

~ive whittled a wooden spoon

**im bummed that i didnt make it to the mule day festival back home

**ive had a knife strapped to my thigh before

**ive participated in hatchet throws and have earned the title of "hatchet queen"

**shotguns are typical christmas presents

**ive gone outside to grab things for dinner

**i almost brought mom a live copperhead to her for mothers day

**i know the woods like the back of my hand

**ive owned a duct tape wallet

**ive carried duct tape in my purse (i carry every day..in the purse)

**duct tape is a staple for travel (...for life actually)

**sweet tea. 'nuff said

...and im sure i could think of more...or people could think of more for me but i think this is long enough. as i hear more i may add them in.

**are additions

an everything post...

so yesterday in horsemanship? i was literally rubbed raw in the saddle...so much sitting trotting and then loping? ouch. so i tell woody that i was on a palomino in class...upon asking what that was i simplified it by saying a blonde horse. ...there was a pause, a look, and then laughing ensued. he said "was that a good idea? a blonde horse and a blonde girl?" ...ya ya ya laugh it up chuckles... later that night he came over and we were all chilling in jane and carlies' room just talking and laughing. well woody's text alert goes off (its a wolf whistle) and carlies yells out the window "thank you!!" while jane hops on her bed and looks out the window with mols to see who had whistled at them...meanwhile woody and i are on the ground rolling. he had told me people look out the window when they hear his alert tone, but i had never witnessed it, nor had ever done it. it was priceless.

today was also a great day for laughs...im sitting in the dining hall and mols walks up behind me and whispers in my ear that "dont look now, but you forgot to put some pants on today" ... later on she shows me a flyer she found on the floor...mols: "theyre looking for you 'rental girls wanted'" ...heck yes. i also attended the king 'tute pageant...it was a hoot! ill have to get some pics and vids from kenz but they will make you chuckle for sure ;)

so anyways, woody and i finally went out to eat lol...ok not finally per say but tonight was the first time ever...(thanks mom)...i uh came up with a brilliant idea if i do say so myself...i suggested i fly to vegas, hitch a shuttle to st george and maybe cedar and he drive me up to the ranch...he'll get to visit it and ill get some more time with him..win win situation if i do say so myself since he wants to visit the ranch but wont be able to later on since he isnt family...hope that works out lol...

oh! got my major switched today...im gonna digress for a sec but...seriously why cant we just take courses we need instead of having to take non-related courses that waste my time and money? i want to own ranch...not be a soil and plant expert. part of the requirements for my ag degree is taking plant productions and soil anaylsis courses...ugh. i just wanna spend my time at the suu farm...can i not just do that? k-back on topic. i changed from a bio major to agriculture science...i wanna take some business and special education courses because when i have the ranch and money, i want to have an equine therapy camp or program for mentally and physically handicapped children. (ill also have to be certified for NARHA [north american riding for the handicapped association] to have the program at my place....

tomorrow im off to hit DI and cal ranch to find some cheap boots, jeans, shirts, and maybe a hat for the ranch...gotta start prepping for the move out...wish me luck...ill need it. g*night

just feel like...crying

alright. i know i havent caught everyone up to date on spring break, the sigma chi formal or general conference. ill just do it all in pictures and have captions for it when i feel like doing it and have time and patience.

honestly its bed time and i just wanna curl up in a ball and fall asleep. thing is tho...yesterday an emotion hit me that i havent felt in quite some time. i felt sadness and anxiety. back in the day when i dated in high school...most guys didnt last past 2 weeks cause i just...got cold feet i guess. i played it off as it wouldnt work and i dont see this goind anywhere so why waste time...right? well i never had that with woody ok? weird...but i didnt. here it is almost two months of hanging out. getting to know each other and dating and now something with a twist is hitting me. here;s how its been going through my head..

the way we got hooked up...holy ghost. way we started talking once i was single...holy ghost. way i made decisions around him and regarding things (including hawaii)...holy ghost. my post traumatic stress disorder fixed through woody...still a work in progress around other people (but when im with him its perfectly fine). if you look at what we want from life, plans, goals, desires...they take us the same place and the differences in career paths would not be a problem as far as i can see. one day i want a ranch...originally i thought i would just bred, train, show, compete, etc with them...and then again the holy ghost jumped in forcefully this past weekend (because i brush this thought off) until this weekend....i want to add in a course or camp or something for the mentally and physically disabled for equine therapy. ...sitting on the beach with woody? out of the blue he says that he's always wanted a bunch of horses, that he doesnt know much about them, but that he loves them and always has wanted some....

regarding spirituality...he has a handsome spirit. one that moves me. one that im drawn to. he could look different and whatever is inside is what i love...what im falling for. of course a handsome face and physique is lovely but its what is inside for me regarding him. granted it was looks that i noticed at first...actually thats a lie. i felt him walk towards me rather than see him the first night i met him. i liked him on the spot. i wanted to be close to him...to get to know him but since i was dating someone i had to leave it be. we hit it off that first night and even told him to his face that "well ill prolly never see ya again...so bye." (he makes fun of me for that now lol). hugging him its like a magnet in him and a magnet in me...neither of us wants to let go...its a physical effort to move apart.

bro paul asked me last night...are you in love with him? i paused and said...im falling...im falling. i suppose you could say ive fallen but im holding back. im scared. honest to goodness. he's the best thing i know and treats me better then i ever thought i would get. if i could tell you the compliments...the everything he says to me on a daily basis...how he'll look at me and when i ask what he's thinking he'll respond "how did i get so lucky?" ...its all about the little things...the night he took me out to an empty park parking lot at night just to turn some music on, pull me out of the truck, and dance...the way he looks at me. ok so maybe ive fallen for him....i just hide it. im scared. im scared of being hurt. im scared of losing him. im scared that in a matter of weeks i wont see him for months and who knows whatll happen. will we both live through the summer? each day is precious and life is short. life is so touchy and easy to snuff out. will we have feelings for each other in the fall when we see each other again? will we date in the fall?... ive told myself not to think about it cause im just living for the day but...im sorry. i live for certain things in the future and well...anyways.

i can sit and say i could see us 100 years old acting the way we do now. there has never been a moment we've argued. (i know that arguing happens and sometimes even necessary but we honestly are just so on the same page...there is none of that). never a moment he had made me sad or angry. ive been on a constant high (for a lack of a better term) since that valentines day that we first hung out. (which speaking of which i totally made pancakes at his place the other day and thats the first time ive never burned pancakes...) he makes me a better me in so many ways...including a better cook.

i guess that yesterday it just kind of hit me that im falling in love and i dont know how to show it. im scared to even show it. im scared to say it to him. im afraid...afraid of how itll change the dynamic of what we have now. im afraid for his reaction. i afraid that i dont know how he really feels...all i know is that he "really really likes me a lot" and has mentioned plans and expeditions in the future (like the one that we're supposed to do in 30 years...or next spring break we'll go off to australia). i dont know what to think...what to do...

im me around him and he seems to be him around me. ive done stupid things, crazy things, blonde things, gross things...and he's been right there...or i tell him about it and he's still there the next day. he knows ive made mistakes in life and "nothing in your past can push me away"...there are things he just says that make me want to cry right there on the spot because he has no idea how much they mean to me...how much they touch me and feel even more at ease. i really just..i dont know. we have 2 weeks plus finals left in school and i dont know what to do.

i dont know what to do. every day i fall more for him. we fall more into place and find happiness in every moment we spend together and even apart i feel. im falling for him and i dont know what to do.

i dont know what to do.